As a Man

            I try my best to stand and sit up straight, but it usually doesn’t work, and my shoulders are broad and heavy so that when I slouch I look like a mountain or some sort of bog creature. I have curves in all the wrong places, because men should have smaller asses and more slender hips (at least my brother has that, and he’s a much better-looking guy, I think). My muscles are fine for bunches of strings but they have a thick layer of skin and fat over them that doesn’t seem to go away. My back isn’t so bad, even though I slouch. I’ve been told it’s nice. It’s not rock-hard-celebrity “nice”, but when you touch it it’s not plush like my stomach (and don’t touch my belly-button. It’s got a bit of a fur line running down around it, but it isn’t hidden, and it’s an awkward area for me. I feel like someone could poke straight into my stomach through it. So don’t touch my belly button).

            I have boring brown hair and boring brown eyes and the lips of a woman. Maybe some men like having woman lips but I think they look stupid on my puffy face. Puffy lips, puffy face. Maybe my face isn’t that puffy, but I can’t find the contours of my cheek bones without sucking my cheeks in, so I think I look soft and stupid. That’s not good for a guy who doesn’t want to disappear in a crowd. Along with my slouching and baggy shirts and jeans, people could just identify me as a nerd even though I don’t play video games and I don’t play Magic the Gathering or Dungeons and Dragons (because I guess I’m stereotyping and that’s what I imagine nerds do—I also don’t wear khakis or glasses or shirts where I’d use a pocket protector, you get the idea).

            I do like my nose, and I think it kind of narrows my face (a little, because that’s hard to do). It’s thin, but not too thin, and it’s straight, not curved or bumped or flat or round or crooked. And my eyes: even though they’re brown—and not an interesting brown, it’s like, brown-brown, boring-brown, like I said earlier—they’re big and they kind of squint when I smile in a way that makes my smile look genuine and happy, even if I’m not, and I think that’s good. It also means that my eyes, since they’re not small, are more proportionate to my face. Which is good.

            I walk a little bow-legged and my feet are kind of lumpy and gross. They’re huge feet and they’re super knobby. You know that little bone on the top, inner part of your foot, in the center between your ankle and big toe? Most people don’t have that really visible. Mine sticks out and for a while I thought I was the only one because everyone else’s kind of sinks into their skin...so my feet are weird. I also don’t really keep up with my toenails. Just don’t look at my feet.

            As for the rest of my body, I don’t know, I guess I’m kind of average, and I don’t really want to talk about it.