From Picture to Story

            There are hundreds of pictures me at events that I don’t remember, or events that could hardly be called “events” because they were so uneventful. But this one, here, of a girl just barely seen through the backs of other people’s heads (young and old people who I don’t remember and probably never met), is one I do remember.

            The picture was taken by my mom during a performance by my third grade class. I don’t remember if it was in 1998 or 1999, but that doesn’t matter. Third grade. My class did some dancing, sang a tiny “The Emperor’s New Clothes” musical (I played as a drummer in a marching band giving a little parade for the king’s birthday. I was the best drummer. Then again, I was the only drummer). Then each student participated individually in a talent show. I had played piano for a year, and chose that as my “talent”.

I’ve always been nervous about everything, especially involving doing something alone before a crowd of people (whether it’s five or fifty or five thousand), and I was shaking so much when it came to my performance on stage that I struggled to place my musical piece on the music rack. When I get nervous or embarrassed, even today, my face turns the color of tomato paste. My face explodes even when I just take a brisk uphill walk (and I’m not out of shape) or when I am in a crowded room. And I can feel it overheating, which makes it even worse, because I don’t like looking like a Bing cherry. It’s not that flattering, believe it or not.

Anyway, in third grade I got up to the front of the gym (which was where our performance was taking place), put my music on the music rack, and was shaking so bad that I just...could not—I mean, god, I was taking so much time, that would take even more time—sit down during the entire piece. It ended up confusing a lot of people. My heart was thumping like the monster under my bed as I tripped my fingers over each other on the piano, completing a simple level-one Greensleeves, thinking “should I sit down now?” after every note and then knowing I’d ruin the piece even more if I sat down in the middle, and then deciding that, hey, maybe playing the piano standing up is my real talent.